What if ~ Remember This

Guessing, dreaming, wondering // Recalling, nostalgia, warmth.

I live somewhere in between these spaces. Sometimes wholly in one or the other, but mostly doing a one foot in one foot out dance. Walking a line.

Everyone says to stay present. And I see the merit, I do. But the ability my mind has to wander forward and backward cannot be contained. Cannot be understated. I love living in the past and the future. Giggling about a memory with someone who shared it with you is like sinking in a warm bath. Letting the frothy bubbles wash over you, exhaling deeply. Equally lovely is the dream of the future. Of what could be. Of possibility and newness and the enchanting thought of something wonderful being just around the corner. Both feelings are a comfort to a mind unsatisfied with the “present”.

The irony of course is that in doing both you risk the chance of creating a future or a past. If you aren’t making new memories, you’ll run out of things to giggle about in the future. Recycling the same old stories until they become stale. If you’re wasting the present thinking about the past then what’s the point of daydreaming? You’ll never experience anything new with your mind on rewind.

I think I’m drawn to both nostalgia and possibility because they’re just out of reach. They don’t require anything of the current me. I can sit in a sunny spot on my porch, or lounge in the cozy covers of my bed, and let my mind go where it may - my current self outwardly not doing much at all. I’m not sure why I’m action avoidant. I know that my proudest moments have been born from a time I did something, took a risk, got on a plane, walked into the crowded room alone. And yet, I slide back as easily as a bowling ball in a gutter. Settling back into that place of safety. Of dreams and memories.

I’ve always enjoyed being alone precisely for this reason. It’s easy, it’s comfortable. I enjoy my own company - especially if my brain has something to chew on (i.e. something to look forward to / day dream about or a fond memory to recall that’s soothing and happy). I certainly have rose colored glasses of both the past and the future. But what about today? Are those glasses rosy as well? It’s hard to say. Honestly, I think I have to make a concerted effort every day to not wear the glasses and to see the present clearly. I don’t always succeed, but I try. And that’s enough for right now.